I told him and Jeff (the guy that does the training) that I wasn't going to be around and I had asked because of that reason. They were happy that I was so up front about things. They also said they were really impressed with my resume and were excited about interviewing me. So, I guess I let them down. :( Humana, thus far, has seemed to be the nicest place to work (but not the most convenient). The pay is good, the hours are kinda shitty--but Christ! I'm not going to find a decent job that uses brain power other than 1st shift-- and the people are nice. Oh yeah, and full benefits from day one.
So, after I walked out, Mom gave me a weird look (she drove me and was waiting in the lobby during my 'interview'). She exclaimed, "that was quick!" I said, that I asked up front about when training was and that I was going to be out of town during that time. Granted, there is a slim chance that the training could get bumped back a week. If that happens, then I'm gonna get a call from Jerry telling me so. Mom just glared at me. So, I guess I let her down.
After the interview, I went over to mom's. I couldn't pet Penny because I was wearing nice clothes and didn't want to get dog hair all over them. So, I guess I let her down.
Mom drove me home. I was feeling odd. Nothing like before. Nothing I can even explain. I just felt different. Not guilty, not anxious, not upset, not angry, not sad... just different. I wish I knew how to describe it, but I can't. So, I watched Buffy. It was a weird thing, because I didn't get as into it as usual. Guess it was just because I "don't make the logical decisions" as mom would say. What she really means is, I 'don't agree with [her] decisions'.
After Buffy, I played Final Fantasy. It kinda took my mind to a better place. I started feeling less odd. I totally got into the game. I have just gotten to a new place, so it's really fun again. I decided I should go online and check my email and see if Ryan was on.
Ryan and I talked and talked. I had a few good emails. They made me smile. I was feeling much better. Out of that wacky funk. Then, Ryan and I got into a fight. He said some things that I'm sure he wishes he hadn't. I got upset. I couldn't even talk to him. Great! I thought. I just blow the job interview so I can see this guy and now he's made at me and I don't want to talk to him and I left with shit. Like usual. My life is shit. So, when I gathered myself enough that I could talk to him again, he apologized profusely and I accepted.
I didn't want to talk anymore after that. I just wanted to be alone. To battle my failures alone. Like I have in the past, alone. Always alone. Do you sense a theme here?! Anyways, I allowed myself to talk, but I was very hesitant.
I felt meek, scarred, insignificant. I just know that I dropped my mood level so low that I was doing everything in my power to not harm myself. I know it's wrong. I know it's not a good coping mechanism, but when the other pain is so intense, you just want to distract yourself from it the only way you can. Therefore, in the past, I've pounded my head to the floor or against a wall. Punched things so hard that I have wondered if I could have broken my hand. And, the worst, burned my own skin. It doesn't feel any better to have admitted all this, but I think it's just a test to myself to prove I don't need to do those things to make the pain go away. Sure, the physical pain fades, and goes away forever, but it does help mask the sometimes overwhelming emotional/mental pain.
Wow. Check it out! I'm bitching at myself! hehe. I should really try not talking to myself once and awhile. I get too cranky with me! hehe. Well, I know that was an abrupt mood change, but I actually walked away for awhile, so I could get myself in a more upbeat mood before writing more.
So, in the end, I guess I want to say that I let Ryan down too. I'm just happy that Maxine and Tierna didn't get in the same mood as everyone else I've encountered today. I don't think I could have handled it all!
Carisa