Because at that point in my life, I figured I could make some money on the stories I would write that were based on my dreams. After awhile of recording dreams, I had added reason to my recordings. I started talking about what had happened the previous day and what I could do to improve parts of the storyline.

After not having a few dreams each night to record in the morning, I became kinda frustrated and just picked up my tape recorder and started talking about the lack of dreams and talking through my analyzation for that lack. Shortly after my bouts of reasoning, I found that it relieved stress. I could confidentally "talk" to someone and not worry about sounding like a fool. I could be myself.

Granted, I had figured that I could be myself in the recordings when I first started solely with the dreams. But, it was now that I realized how wonderful it was to talk out my problems. I still recorded a dream or two, but I know by age 15 I was recording journal "entries" weekly.

After a while, Mom and I had to go out and buy bulk packages of cassette tapes because I was recording daily. I would hate it when I would use up one side of the tape, but not realize it until it 'clicked' off. Then I would flip the tape over and continue where I kinda left off. After some more time, (probably my senior year of high school) Mom and I bought a tape holder tower. I collected all my tapes and stacked them into the thing.

On the bindings of the covers, I would write the date the tape started to the date the tape ended. This made it very easy for putting them in order. I didn't haven't have to worry about numbering them, or categorizing them. It was a simple, easy and accurate way to reference them.

During dark times, I would record less. In fact, after Googie died, I didn't record anything (other than the day I found out, how sad I was, and how evil the world was) for months. It was a long time before I even had interest in "talking" about it. Looking back now, I wish I would have talked about it. I really wish I would have recorded things when times were bad.

I never knew how I coped. Did I cope differently every bad time? I will never know because I didn't record anything. Or rather, not enough to be substanial evidence for me now. Even now, as I look back at my last dark period, I have no evidence. I didn't have my online journal, and I stopped my vocal journal when I started my online journal.

I recorded in that little hand-held tape recorder for an amassed total of 6 years (or just a bit under that). I have tapes and tapes and tapes. I had gone back to the beginning to listen a few times. My voice was different, and the topics were meaningless. But it was me. I am partially able to see how I've grown up. It is something that I really treasure. My ability to have kept that journal up for the longest time.

Granted there were times when I wished I would have just written because a roommate would walk in or something and I'd have to stop abruptly. Those were awkward times. Also, if I'd want to say something but didn't have the recorder with me, or it was in a public place I'd have to write it down and then I'd record it later. I remember writing a lot of "entries" when I was really supposed to be studying for classes my freshman and sophomore years of college.

So... overall, I guess I'm happy that I have this online journal, but I still feel like I miss my vocal journal because I could be more honest with it. I didn't have to worry about having the computer on to "write" an entry. Oh well. I will end this entry by saying, I am glad I am a person that can keep a journal.

Carisa