I put my laundry in the trunk, had my gift cards in wallet, and keys in the ignition. I zoomed out of the driveway, put the car into first, and...

I found out that my car wanted to die. She didn't go anywhere when I pressed the gas pedal. She revved like she was telling me that she knew what I wanted her to do, but she just couldn't do it anymore.

I put her in reverse... rev.
I put her in first... rev.
I put her in reverse again... rev.
I put her in first again... rev.

Why?!

Why is this happening the day that I have tons of errands to run? And especially, the day before my big road trip? Why?

I guess I knew her time was coming soon, but I really just wanted her to make it through the road trip and through me getting a first paycheck from a job... (basically, any job at this fucking point). But she couldn't do it anymore.

I should have known. I should have known that she wasn't gonna make it a second winter. I am greiving now. Because, not only did I put a lot of love into that car (but learning about how she works and trying to do all the repairs myself), but I never ever expected her to die right there... in front of my house. In front of me. I expected her to just not wake up some day.

Why did she die?

Man! I am so sad. I'm crying right now. I know you can't possibly understand how someone could love a (for a lack of better term) "piece of junk". But I do.... or should I say 'did'?

This is especially unnerving because I had a plan to go meet Ryan. Being as we were so close (geographically), I didn't want to NOT see him. We had this planned for about/over a week. Why now? The day before?

I should be happy that I was able to contact him and let him know the news. It doesn't make it any easier to lose something, but at least he knows what's going on.

I didn't think I'd be this upset. I just guess, I never expected her to die before I got a job. I know I haven't had a job for a long time, but I was finally just starting to feel good about myself again, and something like this has to happen to me.

*Tears streaming down face. Trembling lower lip. Puffy eyes. Wiping away tears.*

Maybe, just maybe something will work out with one of those job applications, so I can get a paycheck and get some of this evil stress out of my life. I just should stop now. I'm too upset to go on.

Although, writing is a good, healthy way to vent. I really need it now. More than anything, I just need my debt eliviated (sp?) so I can focus on the present... and not have to worry about all the evils that have piled up...

Maybe if I didn't have to cart them all around every second of every day, I would feel better about life overall. In fact, just before I went outside to go do my errands, I was sitting on the couch, petting Maxine and feeling a smile on my face.

I was feeling better about my health. Both mentally and physically. And I was finally starting to see a flicker of happiness. I had it in sights, and N o w    I t ' s    G o n e   !   !

I really should stop now. I've made a mess of myself. I have tears all over the computer desk to clean up.

Carisa