After dragging myself out of bed, I washed my face, realizing that my neck, shoulders, and back were all very achy. I tried stretching a bit, and that only made me feel more tired. I sat on the couch to watch the "Dark Angel" that I taped Friday night when I remembered that I hadn't let Tierna on the couch AT ALL yesterday.

I got up. Went to the bedroom. Got Tierna. She ran right up to my shoulder. Ouch! Stiff, sore. Then I went back to the couch. Finally, I was gonna just be able to "slowly" wake up.

Not more than 3 minutes into the show, the phone rings. I ran to the kitchen to get the phone, only to remember that I was using that phone in my bedroom last night. So, I amble over to the bedroom. It's Mom. She wants to know when I'm coming over to do some work. I told her I just woke up. She tells me dinner will be ready in 45 minutes. I said I'll be over by then.

I watched my show with no other interruptions, other than Tierna wanting to cuddle (that was a nice gesture). Went over to Mom's for dinner and to get some work in. When I get there, she's all happy and prancing around the house talking about how many crafts she had done today. I didn't want to be rude, so I paid attention as best I could because I just wanted to get the work done and go home. Not in any mood to socialize.

After doing 2 hours work tonight, Mom realized tons of the stuff I had done didn't get done correctly. So that means, going back and sorta redoing it. She told me to not worry about it, but I felt bad that I screwed up so much, because I was working too fast for her computer to keep up. After feeling tired and down all day, I didn't want to deal with it.

Knowing I did wrong, I just stood there and felt like a big ass. I knew her computer was slow, but I just figured if everything was typed in, it would process what I did. Oh well, not that it really matters now.

Upon getting home, I was hungry again. I just decided I would ignore my stomach for awhile (like I usually do when it starts getting late and I don't want to make anything just to have to go bed in a few hours). This time it was weird that my stomach wanted to eat. I had just eaten 3 or 4 hours ago. I usually only eat 2 meals a day. I don't know what happened to it, but it was enough to make me scrounge around for food.

I just didn't want to make anything and I definately didn't want to go grocery shopping tonight. I don't think I would've been able to carry all the groceries upstairs. I ended up finding some cookies. Molasses cookies. Never opened. Must still be good.

I bit into the first one, and it was delicious. So I ended up eating 5 or so more. Then I was drinking my soda. My body soon realized what it was like to be on a sugar-high again. I was all giggly, and giddy. I would even say I was slap happy. How's that for describing one thing three times? :-)

I was chatting with Ryan (whom I mentioned in an entry sometime last week) and I was so hyper that it was making him get goofy. I couldn't stop laughing. I was laughing at the most retarded things. For example: I slurped my soda and thought that was the funniest sound ever! I had to keep reminding myself to breathe. I was that damn hyper!

After awhile, the sugar overload started to fade and I was still in a good mood, although not as giggly. Ryan signed off for the night, and I was left checking email. No one to talk to. Sitting at the computer, experiencing the aftermath of the sugar rush. Netscape crashed, and I decided that was a good spot to turn it in for the night.

I went to the living room to get Tierna. I sat on the couch. I just wanted to reflect for a bit. I don't know how long of a time went by, but I just started getting bummed out. Not just because I started out with a bad day, but because everything I think about revolves around my past. Ryan said something that made me think: "so carisa, you're a smart gal, why don't you do something with your life? :)" What am I doing with my life now? Where am I headed? What do I want to do with my life?

Sitting there. All alone. I realized I have no idea. I don't know what I want. I just know I don't want this life. Not what I have now. I want something different, but I don't even know what. I just keep living in the past. I keep thinking about how many fun times I had, making people laugh, being so outgoing that I could get even shy people to speak up, having so many friends.

I'm crying again, as I'm writing this. I guess there is no more hiding. I have to come clean. I have to let everyone know that I am still putting on a front. I may not be doing as much covering up as I have in the past, but I still am sad inside.

Even as I was thinking all of this, I kept in mind that life wasn't happy in the past. I know, that as of this moment, I can't recall the last time I was really happy. I mean, really happy.

I know it's easy to look at the past and only remember fun times, but I have to remind myself that deep down, I was always that lonely little girl. Now that I don't have any my friends around, I can really see it.

I'm sorry if I made you unhappy by what you have read tonight, I am not looking for pity. I am not looking for someone to take me under their wing and care for me. I'm just asking that you read this, seriously, and not to feel bad for me. I know I'm just in an odd spot in my life, and hopefully I'll get out of it soon. That's all.

Finally, as I was writing the beginning of this entry, Maxine jumped up on my lap. That in itself, wasn't bad. But when she jumped down, her tail caught the soda can and threw it off the desk. Soda spilled all over the CD case and my tool case (both conveniently preventing the carpet from getting any spill). I jumped up and grabbed napkins. As I was walking in the dark from the kitchen to the living room, Maxine made a beeline for the living room, tripping me up. After this entirely way too sore day, I just wanted to get this entry written and get to bed. Too bad she got my heart rate up!

Carisa