I couldn't have been further from the truth.

This is the message that brutally flipped my whole into an awkward turn:

Sorry to break my email silence for this, but I just heard that Emily K.... committed suicide yesterday. For those who didn't know Emily, she was a ball of energy who brought life to Troupe, Student Theatre Association and the Pep Band. She was the star of one of the best kid's shows "Emily in Lala Land" where she argued with a rock, pitted furniture against each other and performed delicate surgery on a birthday cake. And despite her often ditzy exterior, was one of the few who could lure me out of my fort in the nunnery for some fairly philosophical discussion.

OK, I started digressing there. Sorry. I just thought everyone should know. I'll miss her.

Since, it's been a long week, I just wanted to get this entry written. I want to help make all the things I need to do, get done. I've contacted the Troupe list, Emily's family, visited her apartment, read through a personal journal, wrote a speech, attended her visitation and service, returned back home, attended a Buddhist ceremony for her death, and started my normal routine up again.

Last Tuesday was, through and through, the longest day of my life. Upon reading the news in the morning, I was upset that I hadn't been called, knowing full well that my number was on her phone list, all the way to the night... staying up and finally realizing that there was nothing I could have done.

I keep expecting my brain to just explode with the knowledge again. Waiting, any moment now. I have had it hit me a few times. I haven't cried since Sunday, because it just won't come.

Not to be demeaning or anything, but this death thing is getting old. First Tierna, at the tail end of November, then Stevie in January, and finally Emily in February. Death is usually the toughest thing to comprehend, and to make peace with, so I'm surprised I'm doing as okay as I am.

Like I said earlier, I've just been waiting for it to hit me again. This week isn't going to be a normal week, so I highly doubt it will occur. (Erich is coming to visit for 10 days, and I don't think it'll hit until a Tuesday that is supposed to be Emily's Tuesday dinner night).

Right now, however, I think I am okay. I am finding strength in myself that I never knew I had. I will reflect on that for as long as I need to.

Sidenote: as a result of enough Troupers showing up at Emily's funeral, we have decided it's high time there is another reunion. The last one was in 2001 or thereabouts, so it's not been too long, but everyone feels that it is needed. Times of weakness, mean you need support.

Carisa