First, how I found she was no longer among the living...

I was getting ready for bed tonight, checking the water level and food amounts in both my girls' cages, I noticed that Pikku's cage was kinda barren. She musta been sleeping. There was no actual food in her food bowl (but then again, she usually emptied the food into her cheeks and took it to her sock or to another corner of the cage). I wasn't too concerned, since I nearly filled her bowl 2 days ago. (She's tiny, she doesn't eat much). I....

having a hard time telling this now...

I emptied her food bowl (of the debri that usually fills it by the time I need to refill it with food: her poop, the husks of corn, other various shells). I decided that the food bowl was kinda grubby, so instead of just wiping it out with water and a towel, I was actually gonna wash it. I figured if she was sleeping, she wouldn't mind the food bowl missing.

I went to grab her water bowl when I realized she still hadn't gotten out to punch my fingers.

sobbing again...

I called her name, "Pikku?" Usually, this and the disruptance in her cage is enough to get her to come running out of her sock. Nothing. I figured she was really asleep and since I hadn't bumped her little house, she wasn't gonna actually get up. I tapped the top of her little house.

Pause.

"Pikku?" A little louder this time.

Tap, tap, tap. "Pikku? Wake up, sleepy head." Nothing.

"Pikku." I tugged on the opening of the sock. Usually, if this hasn't woken her up by now, she comes storming out of her sock kicking and punching, much like the badger in "Bambi".

I tugged kinda hard. Nothing. It was like she wasn't even inside. It was so light weight, that I figured she was hiding inside the little house, instead of the sock. Hmm..., I thought, that's odd that she didn't come out of there after I pulled the sock out.

Just so you know, this all happened kinda quick. I wasn't even thinking death at this point. I just figured she was being stubborn, or anti-social. She'd done that on occasion too, so I wouldn't have been surprised if that's what she was up to.

I pushed on the sock at various spots, checking for her inside. I started at the opening, but now I was getting kinda scared. I knew she wasn't in the little house, I had turned that on end. I couldn't feel her inside the sock.

My first thought was, "how'd she get out?" I can't see her anywhere, and there wasn't all that much extra bedding in her cage this week, so I knew she wasn't hiding underneath it. How on earth did she get out?

I pressed the sock again. I felt a lump. I knew it was her, but there was no reactionary movement.

I freaked out.

"PIKKU?! PIKKU?!" nearly screaming her name. I stopped, looked, listened. Maxine came by, because she just figured it was play time. Time to see her little pet. I looked at Maxine and said, "Can you jump in there and check?"

Maxine ignored my words and just sniffed at the food bowl that was still amazingly in my hand. I didn't even realize that I was holding it.

A faint whisper, holding my head about the cage, "Pikku?" "Pikku?" Nothing. A little more urgent, "Pikku." Nothing. Louder, "Pikku!" Nothing. I tapped the spot where I knew she was laying.

No. I take that back. I saw my hand hovering over the little sock. I tried my hardest to move it down to touch the sock again. I couldn't. My hand was trembling so bad.

I remember being scared to touch Googie when he died. I thought that seeing him, touching him would help me get over my phobia of dead mammals. But no. I couldn't even touch his bare fur. I trembled, even as I knew the blanket/towel separated our bodies. I was too scared to grieve at that moment.

I was experiencing the same things now. I knew I couldn't just reach my hand in the sock to see if she was dead or just sick. I couldn't risk it!

My own irrational fear prevented me from checking to see if she was sick and needing help. I hate myself for having that fear. But I know that doesn't change things.

I couldn't even touch the outside of the sock again to check. I was that scared/fearful.

I was looking around for something to 'poke' her with. I couldn't look away for long, because of the fear. I HAD to keep looking. I couldn't turn my eyes away. But, for one split second, I did, and I thought I saw the entire sock move.

I called, "PIKKU!"

No. Just my mind playing tricks on me. No movement. By now, Maxine was thinking, "if you aren't going to take her out and let me play with her, I'm leaving." She walked away into the darkness of the living room.

I sat, kneeling in front of the cage. Staring. Not able to do anything. Just staring. My mind swimming. I had to check to make sure it was her in there. Because the time I poked it, it didn't feel like she was in there. I just felt a smidge of resistance, but it felt tubular. Odd. I just assumed it was Pikku.

Again, I thought she had gotten out. I couldn't remember the last time I saw her running on her wheel. Granted, I left in a hurry today, but I knew she was running on her wheel last night as I tried to fall asleep (cause I could HEAR the wheel). I just don't remember the last time I actually SAW her on it.

Maybe I was just imagining her running on the wheel last night because I was so used to hearing that as I fell asleep. Maybe I didn't even know she was dead last night.

No.

I couldn't allow myself to think that. I remember seeing her running on the wheel, all day yesterday. Seriously, I was wondering if she even took a break to eat or drink or poop or anything. I know she likes to work out, but this was getting kinda OCD, even for a hamster.

I reluctantly put my hands in the cage. I could feel my heart racing. I KNEW I had to do it. Mom wasn't here to lift the blanket off Googie's face. She wasn't here to feel inside to make sure Pikku was in there. I had to take a deep breath and look inside for myself.

Oh, how I wish I wasn't afraid of dead mammals. It took me so long to get over the phobia of ALL dead things, but mammals... too much like me... too much like humans... warm blooded... bodies get cold.... scary, creepy, decaying flesh jumping out at you in the dark. Eww...

I slowly pushed back the very cuff of the sock. I saw tons of poop fall out. Boy, I'm a bad pet owner, I hadn't cleaned her cage this week. How disgusting. Nevertheless, I had to continue.

I started to roll back the sock again. To fold it over on itself. I was looking in. Afraid to open my eyes, afraid to keep them closed. So scared. Heart pounding in my head. Hands shaking, body full of nervous energy. Ready for fight or flight. Scared.

I ended up tipping the sock upwards a tad. I was so afraid of her dead body brushing against my fingers that I jumped back. I shouted. I was like an old-fashioned school teacher jumping on a desk chair when she sees a mouse.

I was in such a panic now. I knew I was close to the heel of the sock, which is where I felt the little tube (which I was thinking was Pikku, and not a pile of food). I could feel my pulse in my throat. Pounding. Throbbing. So strong, so rapid. I could feel my mouth dry up. My hands shaking again as I reached down inside the cage.

No. I can't do this. I can't. I'm too scared. No. No.

My mind racing. My body in a state of fear/shock. Not knowing when the dead Pikku's body was going to attack me. So scared. No. I don't want my fingers even in her cage. No. It could touch me! No.

I knew no one else was there. I had to do it for myself. It was now or never. Now or never. Now or never. Now or never. My mind echoed those words. I touched the sock opening again. Still the two rolls were back.

I started to tilt the sock up slightly again, so I didn't have to have my face in the cage to look. Breathing so rapid. Almost dizzy. Can't let this happen. But I have to. Remember, now or never. Now or never.

I rolled back one half roll when I saw her!

Her black eyes staring blankly at me!

I screamed! I knew she was dead. She would have moved. I threw the sock down. It landed in a thud. A thud I was all too familiar with. The same thud from a few months back. The last time I saw Pikku blood shed.

Those eyes. Cold, dark, empty eyes. Staring at me. No! No!

That means she's dead. No! She's dead! She's dead!

I can't believe it. I paced in the world's smallest circle. Careful not to take my eyes off the cage. The lid was still off! No! No!

Not happening. No! No! Oh my god! No!

I knew she had the shortest lift span of all my girls. I predicted she would die just the way I found her. All too real. Too much. I knew I said it would be easiest to deal with her death of any of my girls, but now that it happened, and I had to see her cold, empty, lifeless, vacant, sad eyes, I just wasn't expecting it to be this hard.

So now, what to do with her. I couldn't think. My mind was a blur. All I knew was I had just gotten off the phone with Ryan. I knew he was still up. I called, but was denied access (cause I don't have a long distance carrier). I ran to get my phone card. I couldn't even see the phone as I held it in my hand. I could only feel a weight in my hand.

I blinked out my tears. I tried to steady my ever-increasingly shaky hand to punch out the numbers. I could barely hold on to the phone. So heavy in my hand. Such weak wrists. Ryan picked up after what felt like eternity.

I sobbed into the phone, "call me back".

Another eternity slipped by. I couldn't even see anything in front of me because I was so blinded by the water resting in my tears. I blinked again. I blurted out, "Pikku's dead!"

I heard a very serious, yet quiet voice, "Oh no."

Carisa

Return Home