... I had to decompress. I had to just let myself cry. I hadn't been able to for awhile... well, not a good cry.

I was emptying my black bookcase when I wondered what I should do with Googie. (He's in an urn shaped like a cat head that I made back in 8th grade). I just looked at the cat head from across the room. I marveled at how much work I put into that "cookie jar". I spent so many hours after school making it absolutely ideal. And then...

...it was time to glaze our pots. I looked for an orange, afterall, it was supposed to be like Baby Googie. The only orange available was bright, nearly neon orange. :( I was so upset. Googie wasn't even that red-headed, let alone a psuedo-neon orange. So... I decided to find some gray and black, and make it as close to the boys (our first cats) as possible.

Staring across the room, looking at the detail. Looking at how I wanted it to be perfect. Remembering how I was so careful when I brought it home. Never knowing, not in my wildest dreams, that the cat head "cookie jar" would end up being Googie's eternal home.

How could I have known? He was so young and full of life, you don't think things like that. In fact, since he died so quickly, without warning, I wasn't even thinking death a few days before he died. You just don't prepare for these things.

It's always in the back of your mind that nothing lives forever, but you just don't THINK about it that often. The mind can't focus on that for long without getting jaded.

So, I walked across the room, and picked Googie up. It was so cool against my hands. So much dust had collected in the little grooves... all over, in fact. Had I neglected him? Had I been too "busy" with my life to remember him, or remember to dust him off once and awhile? Oh my... here I go again.

I held the cat head against my chest and wrapped my arms around it. Not the same, but as close as I can get to him physically now. I just let my mind wander to whatever it felt like wandering to.

I talked to Googie. Telling him that he would be nervous if he was around, knowing that I was crying. Googie didn't like it when I cried. He would go and hide under the bed. I told him of the upcoming move. And how my life is changing now.

How I still miss him. And how he's still in my heart. I let myself cry, just thinking of him... thinking of us.

And then, the tears ended. I pulled the cat head away from my body and looked at it again. I cleaned out the little grooves. I petted between the ears, and walked it back to the bookcase.

Another journey, another day.

Carisa