perhaps i am overanalizing. i don't know i guess it's just something that i have to do. think. figure stuff out. i don't know. maybe i'm just doing this because nobody is here to talk to. nobody of significance anyways. i don't care if i hurt someone. i mean, i do but not by just pouring out my thoughts. that's their own fault if they read this. i just can't stop thinking. i guess i'm doing it too much. who cares. i know that if I stop thinking that means I don't care. I don't want to NOT care. i just want to think, but i'm not making sense anymore.

argh. i know the whole point of flow writing is to just get out whatevers in your head don't worry about editing or spelling or even if it makes sense. yet i can't stop. i do it all the time. i have been pre-programed so to speak and i just wish i could do this flow thing well.

so from here on out im not editing it im not editing afterwards i just need to think this out. i know ive made mistakes in the past im trying to change them. it may take some time. time. i have a lot of that. i know that if i don't get a job soon i'm going to go crazy. i feel like i'm already there...or just stepping in a bit or maybe im not. i don't know. nothing is certain. i just know that i have to let this out. and it's still not out. ok. my mistakes. many. all in the past now. i have to remember that. all in th e past. it's ok. i can let go. i have to let go. mistakes can't be altered. the past can't be altered... it can be forgotten... not altered. i don't remember where im going with this. i just know i am going.

i just took a break perhaps i can regather my thoughts and get this out. i feel that i've erred again. i may have put a strain on a friendship and i didn't mean to. that wasn't my intent at all, but i'm still not sure what my actual intent was other than to be honest. i think i've said my piece. i hope this entry didn't leave you as upset as i usually get when i read unedited material. that is all.

Carisa