I wish I could find ambition in things again. I know that I've been feeling down a lot lately. The credit card companies hounding me isn't helping. The lack of jobs I'm qualified for isn't helping. The lack of friends isn't helping. The lack of NEW things in my life isn't helping.

I just can't seem to shake this feeling. This feeling of worthlessness. I know that I should be happier, but I just can't even bring myself to think "happy" thoughts. I guess I should stop feeling sorry for myself and do something about it, but even that feels like it would take too much energy.

I know other people don't know what they want in life, so why should I? I don't expect to be special. I don't expect to be treated any different.... actually, I do. I want people to know that I'm smarter than them. I want people to know that I've suffered, and I have shown major improvement. I want people to look at me and not think, "oh she's cute." I want things, but I don't know how to make them happen.

So, back to the whole lack-of-ambition thing. I think that I'm not going to be a chemical engineer. And although it pains me to think that, I can't foresee it. But then again, I don't foresee anything positive in the whole "I'll be happy in career" life side. I have recently looked at ITT Tech's web site and checked out what they have to offer (because I know one is located here). I just don't know what I want to do, and I don't know how to figure it out.

I remember back in high school, when I was trying to pick a college, Mom told me something that is still in my head. (Well, obviously, if I'm writing about it now). She said that she didn't know what she wanted to do [career-wise] with her life. My mom. In her forties, didn't know what she wanted to do. Why should I now? Why should I have then... back when I had an EXTREMELY tough decision to make? How much do you really know about yourself? How can you learn what you like if you aren't ambitious enough to try anything?

Why do I have so many questions? Why have I gotten so glum? So isolated? So empty-hearted? So helpless? When is this going to get better? When can I just be 'me' again? Will I always suffer? Will I always find misery where there should be happiness? Will I even get the chance for happiness? Or has it already passed me by? Is this all life is? One day, and then the next? Or is it more? Does being with someone make your life more meaningful? Or is that just what society wants us to think? Why am I being like this? I can't stop.

When, I ask you, when did I get so bitter?

Carisa