I had Mom come over today. I asked her to put Pikku (remaining in her sock) in a ziplock baggie. That was such an odd thought, but I knew I couldn't do it. It's very evident I haven't gotten over my phobia. Perhaps I've made a step towards conquering it, or perhaps I've taken a step back. Either way, I know I documented it.

After Mom did that, we went grocery shopping. It was nice to get away from the crying. The area. The known absense. Only now, as I'm writing this entry, I'm crying again.

So many thoughts today. What am I going to do when one of my GIRLS dies? How will I deal with that? I know that I didn't handle Pikku very much, so it wasn't that odd to not want to hold her one last time. But with Tierna and Maxine, how am I going to react? I didn't want to think about that. Not this fresh, not now.

I've spoiled Tierna as a result. You know how it is, you pay more attention to your loved ones while they are still with you when you experience a death. It makes you value the time you have with them more. I know I've petted Maxine more. I've apologized for yelling at her last night. I even was allowed to comb her! (Cause of the new comb my mom bought for Maxine yesterday).

Here's a nice little story: Mom was in the apartment, and Maxine decided to greet her. I figured, "oh sure, Maxine's gonna pick my mom over me again." Maxine rubbed my mom, but when I put my hand down, Maxine ran over to it. It was nice to see she still cares about me. :)

Then Mom picked up Maxine and held her to her chest. I watched as I was holding little Tierna Wearna. I was petting Tierna, and she was kinda getting antsy. I noticed that Maxine wasn't fussing or making it a big deal. In fact, she was comfy, relaxed. Just, dare I say, enjoying being held! I couldn't believe how Mom could just walk in, barely pet Maxine, and BOOM! be holding my little fluff-ball without Maxine even making a huff. Maxine really likes my mom. I'm glad for that. I kinda realized that Mom holds Maxine differently than I do, so when Mom passed her off to me, I held her the way Mom does. She was accepting at first, until she decided she wanted to be squirmy. Ahh... how typical!

Well, I think if there is anything else that I wanted to say, I'll write it in another entry. I have lost my train of thought. I guess it'd be easier for me to remember more stuff if I'd jot down notes or something. Or maybe if I just had the computer on all day, I could add to my entries little by little. Hmm... works in theory. But probably not in reality, because I'd either
a) play games all day
b) not touch the computer all day and just waste electricity
OR
c) write so much nobody would ever want to read it all the way through!

So, that is all today.

Carisa