I had a few other things going on today, so it was easier to take my mind off Pikku's absense. Besides, being out of the house helped again. I'm glad that Mom "took care of things".

I cleaned Pikku's cage last night. Maxine was all excited, thinking that we were going to play with Pikku. I couldn't fight the tears back. This was the time when Maxine would get to interact with Pikku. It was like a guarantee or something.

Everytime I cleaned Pikku's cage, she'd get all upset that all her stuff was gone and she'd run around the cage all frantic. After I'd wipe the cage down, I'd lift Pikku out and let Maxine rub against my hand that was holding Pikku. Maxine was saying, "she's mine."

So this time, Maxine watched as I took all the things out of the cage first. I took extra time doing that. I almost hugged Pikku's running wheel! She spent most of her waking hours on it... my little exercise fanatic. Oh.. no... here I go again.

Maxine keep staring at the cage. Just staring. Looking around for Pikku. When she didn't see her, she looked at me. Thinking that I was holding her, and she just missed me taking Pikku out. But after she realized I didn't have anything in my hands, let alone Pikku, she moved her gaze back to the cage. Just staring. Not blinking. I'm sure she thought if she stared hard enough, she'd see Pikku.

I couldn't stop staring at Maxine. I knew she was confused. I knew she couldn't figure out why she didn't see Pikku. I had to leave the room. I couldn't take it anymore.

After I cried a bit, I went back to the cage. I finished wiping it down, cleaning off the last little Pikku toe smudges. That was tough, but I wanted to clean up the cage completely. I found that I was scrubbing and scrubbing. I couldn't scrub enough. I was bawling at this point. This was the last time I'd clean the cage. All I wanted was a little finger punch from Pikku one last time.

After I finished cleaning, I stood up and stepped back. Maxine just kept staring. She didn't stop until I said, "Maxine, sweety, come here." She looked at me, and rubbed the cage. She walked over to me to get petted. I think she knows now that Pikku's gone, but I don't think she knows why.

I went to bed last night and actually slept. I didn't sleep as long as I would have liked because I was woken by the phone, but at least I got some sleep that my body so desperately needed. I was very slow moving this morning. I didn't want to rush things.

I left the house today, went with Mom to my appointment, then we went to lunch, and finally the casino. It was nice to see the new casino. It was really nice because it was smoke-free! How cool is that?! I completely forgot my worries for those few hours. Very nice to just get away.

I'm not saying that I have an all new attitude about things, but it definately helped to just relax, and not worry. And... it had been a LONG time since I casinoed, so it was nice to that in and of itself.

Dad stopped by tonight after work. He hadn't read my webpage entries, so he had NO CLUE that Pikku had died. When I told him, he was staring at the near empty (totally unbedded) cage. He asked, "is that the little one?"

I couldn't believe him?! Of course it's the little one! I'd be crying if it was Tierna! Jesus Christ Dad! Pay attention to my life a little. I mean, I'm not only an umemployed daughter, I have other parts to me, ya know.

Ahh... but what's the use? I don't know. I tried to bat away his "jokes" as best I could without crying. I kept petting Maxine to help me focus on something other than the obvious. Other than those few moments, and recalling the cage cleaning for writing purposes, I've remained virtually tear free.

Ok.. that last part is false. I wrote an email to Dave today, and I cried while writing it. Also, I was chatting with Ryan and I cried when discussing a few things about Pikku. It's hard. It really is.

I just have to tell myself it gets easier with time. Crying is part of the healing process. Grief is natural. Pikku was special, it's okay to cry about her being gone. She had a short, but I think happy life. That's what I should try to focus my thoughts to in the next few days/weeks.

Carisa